BATTERED BEATEN SHADOW

I know it hurts

And I don’t know what else to say rather than am sincerely sorry and I mean it am sorry, Iam sorry for the sadness that paralyzed you; that sadness that makes you feel like you are pushing yourself toward just to go through motions.

Iam sorry for the pain that stings you and makes you feel like Iam pouring salt onto your open wound & heart. Iam sorry for the doubt that plagues you,the doubt that makes you like love is such a risk that’ not worth taking, I feel like its my fault, “NO it was honestly my fault for acting and being stupid and a fool for that night and everything for the entire relationship. I know no greater or better love from me can change that.

You tried for so long to protect us but I was a fool to notice that and I acted way stupid built a wall as high as those that rise up around castles or that along state house or the Department of defense headquarters at Hurlingham, strong and thick enough to keep a tempest of emotions at bay.

I used to nod approvingly like I get it or we are on the same page, nothing of what happened is easy but am proud of you, it is and will be hard for me but am happy and keep at it. Love is a scary beautiful thing but all in all let me convince myself there is light in all darkness.

Still heavy but have to put on a brave face cause you deserve so much better,I try reassure you. We shall never know cause we never tried to you my heart.

Advertisements
Standard

I don’t know anymore I’am stuck in this big waiting room of life and honestly,I don’t know if I want to move, but I don’t want to move either.

Behind me, the pastel colored door which leads to a room covered with stickers of skimpy dressed ladies leads to the past when once I lived at Thika.But I just can’t go back.
As much as I want to it’s just not possible.It is extremely appealing with it’s carefree playing and no fear of the other side.But the harder I try to get closer to that door,the further away it moves.

I appreciate all that lies beyond that door, more now than I ever have.
I understand why I can’t; to go back now would just spoil the memories.Nothing is ever the same (twice),and if I were to go back now, I would notice things that would taint the sweet memories.

Ahead of me is a black ominous door. I don’t want to go to it, but there is an overpowering force dragging me towards it. I don’t know what it holds on the other side,and am not that sure I want to know. I know it has to do with the future. Yes my future in this Kenyan land or where my spirit and soul takes me in this blessed world, but with that future comes responsibility and uncertainty I don’t know if I can handle that, without a strong stable rock of a friend,where you know there will always be someone by your side no matter what.

The scariest thing to me is the unknown and the future, sadly my future falls into that category.

THE UNCERTAIN ROOM

Aside